


Jonny Jonny

by Kravitz



Category: The Mechanisms (Band)
Genre: He'll get better, Jonny has abandonment isssues, Major Character Death is Jonny, Nastya is actually here now yay!!, Nastya(mentioned), Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Suicide mention, and same honestly, first person narative, no longer first person narrative i guess, selfdeprication, sometimes it be like that
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-07
Updated: 2020-12-22
Packaged: 2021-03-04 06:54:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 4
Words: 1,964
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24589405
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kravitz/pseuds/Kravitz
Summary: It's a working titles shhhA look into the Captian of the Mechanisms head throughout time, and his emotional state (hint it's not good)
Comments: 1
Kudos: 32





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> TW for this chapter  
> Suicide (mentioned)  
> death  
> self-deprecation

As a Captian, it's my job to make sure the crew is safe. As a Captian, I should be there for my crew. As a Captian, I have failed. 

I was the first. I should have been the last. Stopping her was my top priority... well, it was once I realised what she was doing was wrong. Which I'll admit, took me a lot longer than it should have. A long, long time. A time filled with pain, torture and experiments. At first, I helped her, was sure if I was good enough, if I behaved, she would love me. For a while, I was convinced she did, that this was just how she showed love, that she really did love me, that I was like her child... ha... I never did have good standards for parental figures. At least that's what I thought until the second of us arrived, telling me she didn't love me, that it wasn't right... But that's centuries away from now. I had gone through centuries of suffering before then.

Its actually, almost funy... how I came to be with her.   
"I don't need a father, I've got a friend, she's a doctor you see."  
That's what I said, aiming my gun to Jack's head, letting the lead fly. Of course, by this point, I had already killed my actual father, the deadbeat arsehole he was. And I had a plan to take myself out, not with a bullet, no. I didn't deserve a death that easy, So to substances and pills, I turned, taking anything I could get my hands on until eventually, my heart gave in.

Now, there's some irony here you see, the organ that symbolises the one thing I could never have, I will never have, that I don't deserve to have, Love, would break.

That was meant to be it. It was meant to be over, no more Jonny poisoning the world!

Then I woke, never to be the same again. Agonising pain ruling my entire body, starting from my chest, from my... heart.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW for   
> medical talk  
> mentions of dissections on a conscious person

Blinking, adjusting to the bright harsh white light of the room I had awoken in, I twisted my head, ignoring the shooting pain it sent through my body, in an attempt to find out where I was, and how I was there when... I should have been dead. The beeping resonating from the multiple machines working around my previously prone body was my first hint. The humming that filled my ears and the face that entered my vision the second. It was her. Doctor Carmilla.

Confusion wracked my mind. Why was she here? How was she here?  
"Doc?"  
My voice didn't sound like my own, croaky and rough from what I could only assume was days of silence.

A smile split across her cheeks, revealing those razor-sharp teeth, mirroring the danger that could be seen in her gaze, eyes staring at me with fascination, intrigue and dare I say pride?  
Maybe it was this moment that sparked the dependence I would have on the Doctor for centuries to come, the need for that pride, that attention, false though it may be to assume the pride was forme, rather than for herself having succeeded in her latest experiment.

Sometimes I still wish for the time I was ignorant of the evil she had done, of the pain she had caused, when all I saw was someone who loved me. There are times I miss the pride in her eyes when there was no arguing the fact it was for me in my mind. But that's now, not when this part takes place, back then, right here, I trusted her, I truly believed in her.

Because an experiment is all I ever was to her, her lab rat. It's all I'd ever be to her, a body on a table, strapped down, bleeding out as she rummaged around in my chest, pulling my muscles apart. Listening to me scream, seeing me bleed, and just... not caring.

It took me a while to stay conscious for more than a few minutes at a time... most of that first month was filled with confusion, pain, darkness and hope...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If I missed any TW for this chapter please let me know   
> Along with any mistakes in term of spelling grammar etc, this isn't beta read and ima dumb gay sooo


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW FOR  
> Memory Loss  
> mentions of experimentation

Where was he? Why was he here? What... what was happening to him?   
It hurt, he didn't know why it hurt in a way, that also felt numb, like he was empty.

Pain flashed through his mind as he felt himself on a table, sterile, steel, panic welling up inside of him; but he couldn't move. Was it because of the restraints covering his body, or was it the overpowering feeling of her gaze on him, eyes unmoving, and the knowledge of what was to come, the disappointment she would have towards him if he so much as flinched and messed up her process.

He was back in his mind but was that really what it was? His mind? Or was it hers? Hers to control? To manipulate?

He felt a noise rise to the back of his throat, trying to hold it back at first, thinking it would be a shout, a sound hed be ridiculed for, he wasn't meant to speak out, not when this was happening. Quiet, malleable, susceptible to motions, to experiments. Eventually, it reaches the roof of his mouth and he couldn't hold it back anymore, but instead of a shout it was a .... melody

It wasn't something he recognised, he hadn't sat with the Doc for hours writing this. But somehow he knew it as if he had.

_"Somewhere deep inside me fester memories and dreams"_

Memories... he should have more of those right? Memories of where he was, of _who_ he was because he didn't know, not really.

_"I try to pin them down but I can't hear beyond the screams"_

The screams... they were so loud, he knew each of them, they were from people he knew, he loved?  
Why had he stood there, watched, helped? Why hadn't he helped _them_? But instead, helped to cause those screams?

Maybe he used to know, but for now, he couldn't recall.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yeah its *click* been a while, I I know   
> But hey! Here it it iis -Beta

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw  
> self deprication  
> parental figure hitting child  
> labs  
> medical practices (not good ones)
> 
> let me know if i missed any

He couldn't remember… remember what exactly? It didn’t really matter, what ever it was obviously didn’t matter if he couldn't remember it.

Jonny had been with the Doctor for a few months… years? It was one of the two.

Actually now that he thought about it he hadn’t seen her in a few days, having been left to his own devices since they landed on this strange, cold, plannet 3 days ago. At first he had rejoiced at the fact he was able to spend time alone, going off doing whatever he wanted.   
But now… Carmilla hadn't been in contact since the first day and he was getting worried, not for the Doctor of course, he knew she could look after herself. But… but what if she had decided she didn't need him anymore, that she didn't want him, and had left him there. 

Not that he would blame her if she did… after all who would want him really, for how broken he is, inside and out.

But either way, he wasn't on the ship right now, and couldn't help but think that she had left with out him.   
No! She wouldn't. She wouldn't!

With that Jonny began running back to where he remembered the ship had last landed, praying to every god he didn't believe in that it was still there, he… he couldn't handle being left again, especially not now. Not when he would have no choice but to continue living for eternity wondering what he had done wrong.  
He had been running, he didn't know for how long, maybe hours, maybe a day, but it didn't matter as he arrived at the ship, gasping for breath. 

And yet, he didn't stop there. Instead he ran further in, towards the Docs lab. His mind racing still along with his body. What if she had found another ship? A better one? With better people? And had left on that one, leaving him all alone with these physical reminders…. That, that might actually be worse than being left behind with nothing. 

He shook his head to dislodge the thoughts,finally bursting into the lab, ignoring the fact that he knew there would be consequences for that latter on. The doc always told him never to come into her lab without knocking and waiting for permission first, but right now Jonny didn't care he just needed to know she was still there.

“Doc…” 

He trailed off as he saw the body laying prone on the lab table, with a closer look he realised it wasn't breathing at all. What… what was she doing?

“What… why are you?” 

He couldn't get a sentence out as fear rushed through him. She was replacing him, he knew it, shed never brought anyone else on board before, and he recognised the liquid in the syringe as one of the things she had tested on him to see if she could recreate the success she had with him. He knew he was being replaced.

“I’m fixing her Jonny, I’m making her her better.”

Jonny lunged forward trying to grab the syringe from the docs hand screaming as he did.

“NO NO YOU CAN'T!” 

He screamed and screamed, as Carmilla just looked at him, a rapidly growing fury filling her eyes. She glared at him and he felt himself shrink in on himself as she lifted her hand and slapped him. 

“I can and I will Jonathan, and you will not try and stop me. Understood?”

He.. he felt so weak, as he just nodded, feeling nub, hand holding his stinging cheek…   
She, she had never raised a hand to him before, but its fine, she didn't mean it. He was just being a brat and not listening, she just got a little angry, its fine. Doc C is not like his pa. 

Jonny stumbled backwards some, before leaving the lab, eyes blurry from the tears he was holding back. He made his way to his room, a small thing, that was plain, and held no sentiment. But he didn't stop there, removing a small panel in the wall, he revealed a hidden vent, and climbed in. Crawling for a while he found his spot, a convergence of 5 or more vents that made a small room, near the heart of the ship, filled with blankets and pillows and photos and more. This was where Jonny really spent his time, this was *his* place. A place he knew the doc didn't know about. It was where he went when things got too much, and everything was overwhelming.   
He liked to pretend to talk to the ship, and he imagined it could talk back, through the hums of the engines and the whirs of the vents. 

But that was stupid.

So he would never tell anyone of his time here. He wouldn't tell them about how after finding the doc and the girl in the lab, he curled up into a pile of blankets and cried and cried, as he realised what little love he had from the doctor would be stripped away.  
As he realised this new girl would get the looks of pride he used to, that she would get to help her in experiments, that she would be the one on the lab table, holding back a grimace as she helped Carmilla. That it wouldn't be him anymore, and he hated it!

He cried and cried and cried…

He didn't know how long he had been there when he heard a noise, but was quite sure that he had fallen asleep at some point, so it must have been a while.

He didn't move as it got closer, he didn't care. Not anymore.


End file.
